I Had No Words!
I recently dropped my kid off at his long-awaited therapy appointment (it took three months to get it) and sat in my car waiting and waiting and waiting. After an hour and a half of sitting there waiting, I start texting him, are you okay? I’m waiting in the car for you, etc. I then get a phone call which includes my kid and the therapist on speaker, stating that after listening to thoughts of suicide, action plans for it, and cutting marks on the arm, they think it is best for my 18-year-old to go to the hospital via ambulance to get a psych evaluation. Do they ask me, the insurance carrier, for my permission in this decision? Nope! He’s 18, so of course, he can make that decision autonomously. I would have been happy to drive him there, but apparently the ambulance is part of the protocol. Or is it so they can bill for more services? Whatever the reasons for the decision, I wasn’t a part of the process in getting to it, and my kid seems very distressed by it and almost forced into accepting the decision made by someone he had only met an hour or so ago.
The EMT crew was great and very helpful and insightful as to which hospital they would recommend (based on better facilities and better health staff) so we followed their advice, and I set out to meet my young adult there. What surprised me was that, although my kid requested my presence during this entire process, as witnessed by the therapist and EMT staff, I was not allowed to go back with him AT ALL. No visitors were allowed. It was now up to this medical team to assess whether my child should stay for a month or be released. What did I do? I prayed. A LOT! I knew I had presented the same option to my kid weeks before—to take him into the ER for a psych evaluation—but I would drive him. Having gone through this with my brother when he struggled, I was aware of the process. I explained that to my kid, and he declined with much of a “hell no” attitude. I realize that the doctor and therapist were doing what they thought they had to do. I don't fault them for it. I simply wanted a voice in the matter.
While I appreciate their experience with these situations, they don’t know MY kid. They don’t know his tendencies, habits, sleep patterns, eating habits, and personality. I know those things because I have raised this child up. I’m not saying that a parent will always know what to do in every situation and shouldn’t take the advice of medical professionals, but when your kid is only 18, GIVE the parent a voice. The decision is made for your kid without any parental involvement. What I find funny, is car insurance companies and the state departments of motorized vehicles recognize that with younger adults comes more risk. They are less experienced on the road and make split-second decisions that could mean life or death. Car insurance is more expensive due to these known facts and doesn’t start to decrease until the driver gets older and proves to be a safe, competent driver with a clean record. Yet, when it comes to healthcare, suddenly they have all the mental capacities and brain maturity to advocate on their behalf. Their lives are now put into the hands of medical professionals who didn’t raise them, don’t know them, and make decisions based on a first-time appointment that lasted an hour and a half.
After I was told I wasn’t allowed back AT ALL, I decided to return home. I called the number I was given to get more information on what was happening. After two calls, where I was put on hold indefinitely, I hung up. I called a third time and pressed this time, stating that my kid has requested my presence in witness of the therapist and EMT staff, and still no one has told me what was happening. I know that prayer is a powerful thing because I can’t believe how calm I felt, despite not knowing anything. Finally, after leaving yet another message, a very nice nurse called me back. He asked me for my input on what was going on and confirmed that my kid had said the same thing. Additionally, he commented on how intelligent my young adult was, and was concerned that because of the abrupt decision made by the therapist, my child may never want to share with a therapist again. This nurse and psychiatric doctor observed that he had very good coping mechanisms in place, and although the thoughts of suicide would be there, he had not intended to act upon them. I think the fact that he has been cutting himself was an outward expression of inward pain and struggle. It was a cry for help. He wanted to speak to someone who could share in his pain and give him some answers.
The system is broken. People with mental illness used to be ignored. Now they’re treated like their every thought is an emergency. I was so thankful for that nurse's call, observations, and expression of concern. I wish the therapist had this perspective. Had I been included in the decision, the trip to the ER and the trauma it involved could have been avoided. But she never asked me anything until the decision was made. I was told to support my child in a decision he had been duped into making. If I had spoken against the therapist at that point, she would have negatively perceived me.
I’m frustrated with our mental health care system. It sucks. Very quickly and easily, medications are given out and people are warehoused in hospitals, but it’s a rarity to find someone who can actually teach coping mechanisms. Thankfully, this very same 18-year-old kid had worked with a therapist I found years back that did just that, and I truly believe it was because of her efforts in teaching these important skills that he has made it this far. We need more people trained in teaching coping techniques and negative thought reversal. I don’t think an app, like “Calm,” is personal enough to meet the needs of most people. I am very passionate about learning how to do this, but don’t even know where to start. I’m tired of Band-Aids and temporary fixes. What we need is a revolution in the way we treat kids who struggle. We need to give them the tools to help them cope. If you are like me and want to know more, let’s put in the hours it takes to help our kids. Will you join me?
Are you a Christian parenting an individual with mental illness? Join the Eleventh Willow private Facebook support group to meet other parents who understand. Let’s help each other walk this path.
Image by Steve Brandon from Pixabay
