The Isolation of Families with Mental Health Issues
In a world where the mentally ill used to be hidden away (remember Boo Radley? Mr. Rochester’s wife?) families with a child experiencing mental illness can tend to revert to hiding, either by their own choice, due to circumstances, or due to other people’s decisions and expectations.
People stay away—not because mental illness is catching or because they have ill-will toward the family with the problem, but for many other reasons.
They don’t know how to act or what to say.
They don’t want to be burdened. Sometimes people with mental illness can become painfully dependent on those around them. This can be a draining relationship.
They think mental illness isn’t real—or isn’t real in this particular instance. The sick person is either weak or is faking a mental illness to get out of life’s disagreeable tasks.
They (or their family) have limited time for social interactions (who doesn’t?) and don’t want to spend time with a family who doesn’t meet their family’s social needs.
People just don’t want to be around people acting weirdly or saying incoherent things.
People who haven’t experienced a family member with mental illness may not understand what it’s like to have a child with this kind of disability. They have pity—they feel bad for what you’re going through, but on a fundamental level they don’t “get it.” When someone is mentally ill, you’re not just dealing with extra doctor appointments, a child (or young adult) who feels icky, or hospitalization. The person your child was before they got sick is gone—or only shows up here and there as an elusive phantom. Their true self is still there, but because their brain is not functioning correctly, they can’t be the self they were before.
Stigmas in society cause people to hide the fact that their child is mentally ill. Psychiatric disorders are still considered character flaws, sins, or weaknesses. Instead of being treated like they have an illness or inflammation of the brain, people with mental illness are treated like they have some malignant explosion of original sin. It’s hard for us as parents to say to other parents “my child is mentally ill,” so we self-isolate. We think it will be worse if we tell. If we self-isolate, at least it’s our own fault. If we tell, then others may shun us. Then we don’t just have isolation, we also experience rejection. Of course, sometimes we self-isolate because we’re too downtrodden to pick ourselves up and make an effort to socialize.
How can people minister to families with mental illness?
Don’t assume your friend’s child is “bad” or “weak.” They’re sick.
Don’t keep your distance. We need each other and we need friends who have problems different from ours.
Listen to what your fellow parents are saying—really listen. Find out what it’s like and empathize instead of pitying from a distance or judging them.
Ask how things are going. Even though you think it’s a touchy subject, ask. Even if your friend doesn’t want to talk about it, ask. Let your friend know you care.
Random acts of kindness. During a tough season of life, my sister-in-law randomly bought me a pair of shoes, just because she knew it would be meaningful to me to know that someone was looking out for me.
Take on tasks. When my son was so sick that all I could do was take care of him, my mom came to my house every day and homeschooled my little daughters. You don’t have to take on something that monumental, but bring a meal, a book, a gift card, a coffee, offer to do some house cleaning, whatever.
Pray.
Are you a Christian parenting an individual with mental illness? Join the Eleventh Willow private Facebook support group to meet other parents who understand. Let’s help each other walk this path.