Plan G: Grieving with God
I used to teach about adoption at a large church in southern California. Orphan care was one of their signature ministries and, with two adopted children, I was passionate about helping prospective adoptive parents learn about their options.
Often, when couples are researching adoption, it is because of their struggles with infertility. They would come to my class strained with grief about their inability to conceive a child. The emotions surrounding this are raw. More than once, my class evolved into a session of counsel and comfort as I tried to navigate the pain with them. There were men who felt helpless that they couldn’t control the circumstances. There were women who felt incompetent and broken because of the biological block.
In all of this we talked about grief.
These couples were grieving that their dreams of building a family were altered. I held their hands and let them vulnerably pour out that frustration. They grieved that they couldn’t conceive a child of “their own” and had to “resort” to adoption. My heart hurt with them. But here is what we concluded: that perhaps in His divine wisdom, our God put these sweet couples very intentionally on this path. Maybe adoption wasn’t Plan B to build their family; maybe the Lord made it their Plan A. They needed to work through the grief to realize that this was exactly where the Lord would have them.
Now that I am smack in the middle of parenting two children who live with mental illness, I am finally seeing the parallels in terms of grief. I am coming to understand now that I am grieving.
I grieve that my children must struggle through what seems so easy for their peers. I grieve that life doesn’t look like I envisioned or hoped for. I had my own plans and aspirations for this whole family and parenting gig and, hey…it’s not lining up to what I expected! I expected Plan A. Plan Amber. I wasn’t prepared or matured enough to know what to do with Plan B.
Oh, and in His patience and kindness and LOVE He spoke into my heart. Just like when I grieved with my adoptive couples, I realized that I needed to grieve and pour out this raw emotion to our Comforter and let him gently correct me, as always, to His ways. He gave me these children—His children—to learn to care for and love as He expects me to. It was never a mistake or a Plan B that this should be my experience. Maybe it wasn’t even Plan A. Maybe it was always Plan G. Plan God!
He made us to grieve so that we can draw closer to Him. When we grieve, our deepest selves can be wholly turned over to our Comforter. And when we can draw closer to Him with our whole, true, raw, vulnerable selves, it is in that place that we can receive hope. Grief is the pain that tells us something is radically wrong. Comfort from the Lord tells us that there is hope and rest with Him. “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” Matthew 11:29-30
I am learning continuously to trust His ways and to lean into Him as I face these trials of many kinds (James 1:2-4). As I pass through grief and into hope, I see more clearly and selflessly. It’s not easy to keep dying to self and my Plan A. But that’s what He wants me to do, and I am grateful for His lovingkindness.
Are you a Christian parenting an individual with mental illness? Join the Eleventh Willow private Facebook support group to meet other parents who understand. Let’s help each other walk this path.
Image by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash
